Great Expectations
Minimise the impact of unrealistic expectations by being more flexible in your approach to motherhood
Becoming a mom is a transition into a life-stage that doesn’t happen immediately after your baby’s birth. A baby changes your life in profound ways. If you are part of a couple, baby makes a family and if you are taking this journey alone, you are now a single parent.
Do you wonder if you’ll be a good mom? Are you worried that you may not measure up to the expectations placed on you by society, friends, family or your partner? You may also place these expectations on yourself. The beliefs you have of motherhood come from your personal experiences – both as a child growing up and as an adult witnessing other parents. The portrayal of motherhood on television, in the movies, and on social media can set a gold standard ideal that can cause undue stress for moms as they strive to reach the perfection portrayed in this fictional world.
When things don’t go according to plan, or turn out differently than anticipated, a new mom may feel helpless and may even feel inadequate. This can be devastating, especially if mom believes that every woman is born to be a mother – perfectly and instinctively. A number of overwhelming emotions can follow – anxiety, guilt, depression, sadness and even anger or frustration at not being able to measure up or feeling worthless or you may feel like you are a bad mom.
Unpacking the Expectations of Motherhood
Let’s take a closer look at fact versus fiction and how you can be more patient and understanding with yourself, as you discover the different nuances of motherhood.
Fact 1: Becoming a mom is a process
Your baby’s birth makes you a mother, but getting comfortable in this new role isn’t instant for every woman. You may not bond with your baby immediately. You may struggle to accept your changed body. You may not know exactly what your baby needs and when. Bonding and love between mom and baby can take time to develop.
What you can do:
Set yourself up for success. Review your expectations and what you believe motherhood will be like. Are these realistic? Where do your beliefs come from? Adjust your expectations by being more flexible in your approach. Give yourself time to grow into the role.
Fact 2: It’s ok to grieve your ‘old’ self
Adjusting to life with a baby can be overwhelming – even if you were prepared for the change. Some new moms feel guilty about wishing life was as simple as it was before baby’s arrival.
What you can do:
Accept that you are still you, with an additional role. From now on, you will need to consider your baby’s needs, but you are still human and your needs and wants are valid. It’s not selfish to take the time you need to relax and recharge, so you can cope emotionally. Ask your partner or someone you trust to look after your baby and grab some ‘me time’. Look ahead to the future. Life is different after baby, but there is also so much to look forward to.
Fact 3: There are no textbook babies
Babies don’t come with a ‘how to manual’ – even if they did, it probably would not be of much help as no two babies are the same. What works for one may not work for another. Your pregnancy book may say ‘this’, your mother or a friend ‘that’ – neither may work for your baby or your situation.
What you can do:
Give yourself time to get to know your baby. If you try something and it doesn’t quite work out, find another way. This doesn’t mean you’re failing – you are trying and you’re working to find out what is best for your baby.
Fact 4: All moms struggle at some point
Some moms make pregnancy and motherhood look like it’s plain sailing – whether it’s in real life or on social media. On the outside, Perfect Mom may look like she has everything under control, but the representation may not be accurate. Every mom goes through tough days. Babies get fussy, toddlers have tantrums, children get sick. Life happens.
What you can do:
Don’t compare yourself or your situation. Look beyond what is portrayed and know there is a deeper truth. Also, be mindful of your own expectations and how this can come across to other moms. Rather than judge a mom’s choice, support and encourage her. Every mom has different challenges to cope with.
Fact 5: You don’t have to ‘have it all’ – but you can if it works for you
Society paints a picture of modern moms working full time, juggling family expertly while raising perfect children and running a smooth household. Mothers can feel pressured to be perfect in all aspects of their lives. For most of us, this just isn’t realistic. You don’t have to do it all perfectly and you don’t have to do it alone.
What you can do:
Find what works for you. Perhaps you want to go back to work after your baby, or maybe you want to stay home – they’re both okay. It’s okay to get help in certain areas, so you can take on more responsibilities in others. If you live with your partner, have a discussion about what needs to be done and how you both can pitch in. Revisit these as your needs and your baby’s needs change.
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to get swept up in an endless cycle of what and how things should be done. In chasing these ideals, you can miss all the wonderful things that make motherhood special. Parenting is an adventure that keeps unfolding. Embrace the knowns with the unknowns – sometimes you just need to go with the flow. Very soon, the tiny baby you now nurture under your heart or hold in your arms, will be all grown up, and you’ll find yourself starting a whole new chapter – yet again.
Contact your healthcare provider for support, advice and counselling.
Resources: https://mom.com/; https://firstthings.org/; https://goop.com/; https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/; https://www.parents.com/
