Coping Through a Miscarriage

Ways to help you grieve the loss of your baby

No words can describe the pain of losing a baby in pregnancy. Parents who have experienced this tragic loss, describe the emotions as some of the most difficult they have ever faced. While nothing can take the pain away, acknowledging the loss and your emotions is the first step to healing.

Medically Speaking

Miscarriage is the medical term for the unexpected loss of a pregnancy. The gestation period is defined differently in various countries – up to 20 weeks in some countries but to 28 weeks in others. A stillbirth is the loss of a baby later in pregnancy or during labour.

Miscarriage may not be talked about openly, but it is more common than people realise.

Early miscarriages before three months are most common, but regardless of when you experience it, losing a baby can be devastating. Miscarriage is both emotional and physical as your body needs time to heal. Your physical recovery will depend on how far along in your pregnancy you were and whether you had complications that required treatment. Hormone levels also need time to adjust and can add to your emotional distress.

Road to Recovery

Every parent grieves a miscarriage in their own way. Your emotions may be unpredictable – you may feel better one day but extreme sadness the next. This is a normal part of the experience. Nothing can erase it but there are some things you can do to help yourself move towards healing and recovery.

Immediately After

Steps you can take initially as you come to terms with the loss.

• Grieve your baby

In the case of an early miscarriage, you may not yet have shared the news of your pregnancy with anyone besides your partner but for you the baby was real – and the loss of something precious. Many parents don’t only grieve the loss of the baby, but the loss of the experiences you anticipated, like giving birth or holding your baby for the first time. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and to grieve.

•  Express how you feel

You may feel a number of emotions over the coming weeks – guilt, sadness, fear, anger, emptiness and others. Talking about the experience with your partner or a trusted friend or family member can help you make sense of your emotions.

•  Lean on others

Ask your partner, family member or a friend to take over your responsibilities for a few days, to give you a chance to rest and for your body to start the healing process.

Long-term Recovery

You may begin to feel better physically in a month or two but emotional healing can take longer.

•  Ask questions

In some cases, your healthcare provider can identify a cause for the miscarriage, but in others, the cause may never be found. For some moms, knowing that this wasn’t their fault or that there was nothing they could have done to prevent the loss, can help to lessen the feelings of guilt they may experience. If you have questions, ask your healthcare provider.

• Talk to your partner

He or she may not have experienced the miscarriage as you have, but they may feel the loss just as acutely as you do. For some partners, the loss may not be personal as they haven’t yet had a chance to bond with the baby. Don’t see this as your partner ‘not caring’ but rather their different perception of the situation. Ask them how they are coping and how you can help each other.

• Seek professional help

Grief is a process and everyone experiences it in a different way. Psychologists have defined five stages of the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Some people will go through all the stages, others may go through some and even in a different order. There is no time limit to your grief, but if you feel unable to move forward, let your healthcare provider know. They may suggest that you consult with a grief counsellor. This professional support could help you move towards acceptance.

• Create a memento

When you are ready, find a way to remember your baby. Some parents do this by naming the baby, packing special mementos into a box as a keepsake, or holding a small ceremony in which you acknowledge the loss. Others plant a memorial tree to remember the baby by or put up a memory plaque. This is a personal decision and you can take time to decide on what is best for you.

The journey towards healing and recovery is a personal one and while you may not be able to consider it now, you will feel better in time. Trying for another baby is personal and you can make the decision when you feel emotionally ready. In most cases, moms who experience a miscarriage do go on to have future successful pregnancies.

Contact your midwife or healthcare provider for support, advice and counselling.

Resources:  https://www.tommys.org/ https://www.healthline.com/; https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/; https://www.verywellfamily.com/; https://www.webmd.com/; https://www.who.int/